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Midnight_Fright
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Name: Tiffany
Gender: Female
Interests: Life, the universe, and everything.
Expertise: Serving Ice cream, causing general mayhem (sometimes simultaneously)
Occupation: Student/Ninja
Industry: Multi-Media Design
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
12/6/2003
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| I'm currently at B&N with my good friend Ben and I can't seem to concentrate on what I'm suppose to be doing right now, because I feel somewhat dizzy and distracted. I think its the coffee and a the people aimlessly walking around the store. I'm suppose to be working on sketches for t-shirt designs and tote bags...something that I've been meaning to do but have yet to actually start. So instead of doing that, I decided to make an entry instead.
It is officially winter and Christmas is fastly approaching. You can tell by the increasing number of angry holiday shoppers on the road. Although instead of keeping safe and sound at home I decided to venture out into traffic. Because I just can't seem to stay put at home for very long. Besides, I long for the company. I am fortunate Ben lives close enough to hang out, because everyone else is far off or busy. This includes the beau, who is currently in Florida basking in the warm sun without me. I haven't been up to much since I got out for the semester except lounge around the house and attempt the maddening activity, many of you know as "holiday shopping."
I just wonder about the holiday season. It seems that I find it stranger each year that I get older. Perhaps I am simply falling from the tradition or maybe it's becoming more apparent that it's actually more stressful than the adults like to show. I enjoy the gift-giving but most importantly I just want to be close to the people I care about. And I think if there should be a holiday to celebrate that closeness, it shouldn't be a religious one. It seems more logical to me to have a "Life Day" -- a day dedicated to the progression of humanity, to our achievements, to our family and friends, and to life itself. It would be a global holiday that would involve festivities and gift-giving. I think it would serve the same purpose as Christmas, but it would unite people, beyond boundaries, race, and religions. But that's just my idea of a celebration.
I really miss the beau. I hope our relationship is not suffering this distance. One month sure does feel like a long time. But I suppose this is for the best. There are certain things we have to do for ourselves before we can be with others. For me, I have to get some of these personal art projects done...
In light of this wintery season and the ending of another year.
I leave you my imaginary readers with this picture of me...
 Dear world, I'm alive....And I am finally happy. | | |
| So apparently the whole "post everyday" for a week thing didn't work. Instead I'll be giving a summary of what occurred during the rest of my Thanksgiving break...
Wed.: That night, my family and I watched the Trans-Siberian Orchestra perform. It was an amazing show!!! Classical music and shredding electric guitars and violins, all put together with spectacular lights, made it quite unforgettable! My favorite part had to be when the electric violinist ran through the crowd and stood on the railings right in front of me. I about had a heart attack!
Thurs.: My family and I volunteered at the local food bank for a few hours, serving Thanksgiving meal to the less fortunate in the area. My sister and I had the task of clean down the tables. It was an interesting experience. We had dinner later that day at a family friend's house...jam-packed with other filipinos...and lots of food! I think I gained 5 lbs that night.
Fri.: Had an afternoon excursion with my good friend Ben (aka INTJ twin) from high school. We went shopping and I bought a red heart-shaped strapless, satin mini-dress...for $13 at forever21. I had wanted a dress like that for a long time so I am happy to have found such a deal! We then got lost downtown trying to find a Thai restuarant that we eventually found closed...and therefore had to eat Vietnamese Pho across the street. Attended another filipino party that night with my family...and ate more food.
Sat.: My russian bf drove out to meet my family and take me hiking. We did a moderate trail up the moutain and climbed rocks! We spent the rest of the day exploring the place and admiring the views. He then had dinner at my place and got to hang out with my family and eat filipino food. To top off the day, we watched a movie together at the theater! This day was the highlight of my entire break.
I am now back in school studying for exams. Luckily I don't feel as stressed out as I did 2 weeks ago. Overall I feel happy and content with everything that has happened thus far in my life. It finally feels like things are going right. I am very thankful for my family and friends, my new found love interest, and the many oppurtunities I've been given in my life. I hope that I can show the people who mean a lot to me, my care for them with the plans I have for making little 'gifts' for the holiday (after exams). Though the future is uncertain and I am bound to experience new challenges, I feel less weary about what the future holds. Whatever happens, good or bad, I know I'll get through it. I feel stronger now, and I am finally ready to take on whatever comes my way.
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| I am back home for Thanksgiving Break, after not having seen my family for several weeks. One evidence of this, is that it's already noon and I'm still in bed, pj's and all. I have yet to take a shower or eat lunch, but I decided to groggily (if that's a word) type up this entry. I see this as a means of motivation...and an opportunity to catch up on much needed writing and reflection on my life. So for this entire week of a break I will try to make an entry each day. When life gets so hectic and it's nice being able to sit down like a lazy bum and just ramble about whatever.
My plans for today involve being semi-productive. A day-drive is the first order of business (well after lunch). I miss my car and I miss driving. It's all too relaxing and nostalgic. Although, I plan on taking my sister along with me so we can have some "bonding" time and check out some shops for christmas gift ideas...
Speaking of which, I'm starting to worry about the new beau. Yesterday we had a conversation on religion. Like me, he is not religious. But unlike, me he doesn't see the point in celebrating the winter holiday, which to me is giving away gifts for Christmas. I never really associated Christmas with it's religious origins...I simply enjoyed being with family and giving away gifts. The beau said that with whatever religion or philosophy he decides to take up in the future, his significant other must also correlate. If he is referring to me, which depending on the how this relationship goes, might very well be the case....then I am faced with a new dilemma. I don't like the whole conforming thing. But most of all I don't want to have to give up Christmas and not being able to give away presents during the winter holiday. Whatever the case, this is much too far off into the future for me to even be worrying about. I just need to stop questioning whether he will be "the one." I know I have a gut feeling about things but at the same time I don't want to have expectations. This whole experience in general is kinda scary because its so new and different. It's like the whole "be careful what you wish for"....."cause you just might get it!" Overall I have to remind myself that the most important thing is to focus on myself and my life, and being happy.
Now back to the christmas gift ideas...considering that I won't have a lot of money, I think most of my presents will have to be handmade. For my new group of friends at school I plan on make t-shirts that represent our group, which one of my friends has coined "the cutestxcrew." Kinda cheesy, but the name stuck. For older friends that I had made over the summer I also want to make something meaninful like a personalized shirt. For friends that go way back from highschool, I want to make painted tote bags (which luckily I already have the materials for). And lastly, for friends from Guam, I would like to make designed or painted greeting cards. I think all of these things will be very special. Considering that the beau doesn't like getting presents, I think a personalized shirt will suffice for him as well. As for the rest of my family (which I have added Adam to)...I am hoping the majority of the money I have, will suffice to get them each little store-bought gifts. Now I know one would say..."the handmade gifts are more meaningful" therefore I should make something for each of my family members....HOWEVER, to me, the handmade gifts though thoughtful, are more of a cheap means of getting presents, and for people that mean so much more...I want to get them the best things that I can get. It's a weird way of looking at things, but bare with me.
Aside from perusing the mall today...I hope to get some homework done (reading in particular). As much of a lazy bum I am being right now, I don't really like being so unproductive. Plus, not doing anything leads to boredom, depressive thoughts, and anxiety. I gotta go do stuff. So I'm off! ..more entries to come later.
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| Life has continued in it's crazy and wonderful path since my last post. It is currently 3:37am and I have anxiety so I can't sleep. This is also not a very good way to start a blog entry. But considering that I haven't made any entries in the past few months, anything is better than nothing. My anxiety stems from the fact that so many things are happening and I'm not quite sure how to handle it all. I guess one could always say, just "do the best you can." But honestly, is it every really that simple? For one thing, school has been insanely busy. I've been lacking in the sleep department due to papers and projects that had to get done and turned in, although it doesn't help that I am staying up late once again...this time for no apparent reason. Somehow I've managed to survive this busy week. As I reflect on everything, the next order of worry is my crazy love life.
It's just strange to me that it is when I don't care and am not seeking anything, that I get the most attention from guys. I guess it's the whole "challenge" thing that people like to talk about. What I've noticed though is that the people who really care are persistent in their pursuits, while everyone else starts dropping like flies. In my case, it is the latter result in which guys who "thought" they liked me, realized their disillusionment and moved on to other things. I am not particularly surprised or offended by this. What has been my concern, is the one guy who's stuck it out long enough to be able to call me his girlfriend. The Russian guy who I mentioned in my last entry has lasted through a few months of casuals dates and now I think I can no longer call myself "single." His intentions seemed rather hazy to me at first because he gives this aloof impression that I'm not that big of a deal. I guess it's only fair since I probably projected the same nonchalant stance. Though it has occured to me that he does care, deeply so, and I am amazed at how this could happen. I feel very lucky in my find. However, there is the conflict of my friendship with Adam. Tonight it was brought up and it made me feel really bad that I had not made a clear enough stance in publicizing our relationship to Adam and everyone else. So I had my talk with Adam tonight and I felt it was necessary for me to clarify what was going on.
I feel like I am finally leaving my comfort zone and moving on to newer and possibly better things. However, it is also rather scary because being with a new person is so different. I had gotten so use how things were in the past that to form new habits with new people, leaves me feeling vulenerable. I am once again risking my heart. This time around I just hope that I make a proper investment. The business of getting into relationships and falling in love, as romantic as it sounds, is tough. It's a lot of work and it can be a painful experience if things turn out bad. I don't think I can deal with all that drama anymore. So I am hoping I am doing the right thing here.
I just feel so overwhelmed by everything that I actually want to go to the gym today...to run. I want to get away for a while. It's like the fight or flight response. I don't want to get hurt, and I'm feeling vulenreable so maybe I need a break from school, and relationships, and people in general. Some me time is order...and it starts off with this entry.
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| "Alright already, we'll all float on..." - Modest Mouse
This entry is extra significant because I haven't posted in a while. A lot has happened since this semester of school has started. Just to get things out of the way, school is okay...really stressful at the moment, as it sometimes is. It was so hard in beginning to get over the fact that once again my relationship was kaput. But I refused to stay in that position of depression and self-pity. After the incident with "the girl" that I found out Adam had a crush on for a while, I took matters into my own hands. I spoke to the girl and told her everything so that I could sleep in peace knowing that she knew what kind person he was (and not to fall for it). Luckily she understood where I was coming from and was not interested in him to begin with. That situation gave me a boost to keep moving forward. I put the effort into fishing for friends, and before I knew it, some people took the bite. I started becoming more independent by focusing on school and hanging out with newly made friends who like me, are Design majors. I think in turn this has helped my relationship with Adam. He wanted space and that was what he got. Now it seems he misses me, but I refuse to give in, unless he improves as person. And though I still have some feelings for him, it is not as strong as what it use to be. I know now in my heart and in my mind that I can accept whatever is to happen between us....whether friendship is all we'll ever have, or whether we will be together in the future.
I think it helps that I've met other guys. I don't flirt or seek out other people. But somehow with my new found independence they've noticed me. I keep a cordial distance from them. But meeting these people makes me realize there has to be someone out there for me. Someone who would want to be with me, and would treat me well. I think I've met that person. He is a few years older than me (23 or 24), but the age doesn't matter considering he looks young and we are on the same level of maturity. That is the key phrase..."same level." I didn't think it could happen, especially so soon...but it seems to me that I've met someone who matches my intelligence, humor, values, and maturity. Someone who is compatible to my personality. But most importantly someone who wants to be with me, and is serious enough about it, to take it one step at a time.
I don't want to draw conclusions. Nothing has happened just yet, with the speed at which we are going, I don't know if we are officially dating for it has not been verbally said. But I do know we are feeling and thinking the same thing. We are similar and different. He makes me feel beautiful, by the way he looks at me, and by his own sincere words. I am trying my best not to fall too soon or too quickly. I refuse to get hurt again. This time, I want to make a wise investment...the kind that will last forever. But I'm giddy enough to say, if it's not Adam, then maybe this is "the one". Though I don't want to speak too soon, he seems to be everything that my last relationship was lacking. He has already graduated and is working on getting a Masters Degree...drum roll please...on Physics or Nanotechnology! Therefore, I know we have the same passions in science and in life. He is stable, and most all...he wants to settle one day with the right person. He wants love, marriage, and family...a secret desire of mine, a common notion that is frowned upon these days. I just want to find my life's companion...if such a person exists. To have someone to share my life with...a best friend and lover.
I don't know what will happen now in my life...in the next few months, the next few years. What I can say though, is that I know slowly but surely...I'm floating on.
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